i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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