god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
