Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
