Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize