My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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