I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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