u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
