I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You have to summon your inner elephant
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
