i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
