ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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