Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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