The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
