why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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