Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Oh god it's open bar.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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