im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
