Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
