Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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