Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
