seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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