Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
