When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
