I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
