how do flat chested girls get laid?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
