My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
