Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
