6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
