All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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