is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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