Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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