I hate all girls vehemently.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
