god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The maid of honor just puked.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
