no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize