Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
