Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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