Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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