I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
