I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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