Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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