My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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