sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
