Soap is not a condiment
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
