Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Watching her eat just hurts me
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
