if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
two words: eviction party
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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