My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize