im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
