Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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