my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
