I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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