if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
