Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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