His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You are the jesus of drinking
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
