my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We need to get me chipped asap
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
