I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
