My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
