Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize