Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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