Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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