How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
